Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
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Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.