Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

[heaven]

darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion

[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)

Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

getting old is fun

Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?

Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.

me: how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be mysterious

[ next day ]

her: hello

me: i’m in the witness protection program