@spikeWilton67

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

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@AshGriffoTv

Hate it when I push the button at the traffic lights and someone pressies it after me. Do you not trust me or something? Was my press not good enough like

@POTerritory

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

@alvaxbeta

Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.

@LoveNLunchmeat

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

@iGreenMonk

1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.

2)Dress as a cop.

3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.

@Sugar_Pac

I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.

@oigoabuya

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

@Sickayduh

I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken

@Doughbvy

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

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