Hate it when I push the button at the traffic lights and someone pressies it after me. Do you not trust me or something? Was my press not good enough like
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
1)Print out a “WANTED” poster with your face on it.
2)Dress as a cop.
3)Go around asking people if they’ve seen this person.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet, but there’s an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I’ve won & the number of Ipads I own.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I bet the guy who invented fake dog shit was upset the name “shampoo” was taken
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.