Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Sharon I have some bad news
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.