Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.

A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

Them: Can you imagine jogging—

Me: No

Them: —in this heat

Me:

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.

“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?

Me: yes. Molotov, please.

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me: