Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

Me: I won’t let anything control me!

My bladder: Lmao

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.

I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”