Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: what do you want for lunch?

3yo: a pickle.

Me: a pickle is not a meal.

3yo: two pickles.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*

*glues old gears and cogs to chair*

*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]

“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?

Gloves!

Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

[arrives in heaven]

how’d you die?

me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.

“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”

It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!