The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked