Do you need to go peepee?
Are you sure?
How bout you try?
*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Karate chopping hand holding couples’ hands apart at the mall
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Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
[Watching “House Hunters”]
Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.
Tim: Our budget is $4 million
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it