@Twtercide

Relationship status

Karate chopping hand holding couples’ hands apart at the mall

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@Marlebean

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

@SuperRandomish

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

@daemonic3

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

@DirtMcTurd

[Watching “House Hunters”]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

@tiemoose

me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

@mattytalks

(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it