*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.