*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
It was worth a shot 😂
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.