@_davidlucas_

*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

You Might Also Like

@Chumpstring

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

@pilau

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

@mikeym00n

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

@DearAnyone

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

@AnnaKendrick47

My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.

@FilthyRichmond

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

@WilliamAder

I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.

@MNateShyamalan

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

@FirstGentleman

As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”