*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

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Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”


When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.


Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.


Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.


[Social Media Addiction Club]

Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.

*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.


Can I come inside the house?

Me: No

Why do you treat me like a doormat?

Me: You ARE a doormat

Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!


*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*


What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?