*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
felt that
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.