*Relationship status*

Me: I’m heading off now.

Wife: Yayyy.

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ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them



“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”


“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”


My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.


“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches


The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?


My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.


I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.


I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.



Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart


As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”