Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Let’s Go

My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people

wife: are you cheating on me?

me: no

wife: where were you between 5-8 then?

me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk

ME: but this tree is so tiny

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

I believe the plural is “milves.”

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

is nasa ok

Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.