Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the way this pissed me off… 😭

If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.

“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.

No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.