Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

Good for him.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.

The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?

me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET

Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.