Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?

8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!

What kind of car does a sheep drive?

A Lamborghini.

Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Any time a child tries to guess my age.

When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.

I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*

I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.

[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-

My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates

Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.

Her: Don’t you have a child?

[first day working at a bakery]

Customer: can I get a-

Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”

WIFE: That won’t work

ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me

me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*