Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This edible isn’t working.

Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

I act like Pacman at parties.

I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.

presenting your incognito window wrapped

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

[pet store]

me: are the birds expensive?

employee: they’re going cheap

me: I know how they work

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.

Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.