Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
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Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something