Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
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No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.