Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*

“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

rich people: be like me, invest in stocks

also rich people: no not like that

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Chicago sounds lovely.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

*dies and gets to hell*

I really thought I’d lived a good life.

*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*

Oh yeah. Fair enough.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK

PLS TELL EVERYONE

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.