Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again