@KKAlThani

Relationship tip: every night text yourself “Good morning love!” & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.

You Might Also Like

@Fingers_of_Fury

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

@prufrockluvsong

houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best

@Lhlodder

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

@SteveKoehler22

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

@GrabTheWEness

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

@daplusk

I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.

@JohnLyonTweets

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”