If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
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(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better