Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Relationship tip: every night text yourself “Good morning love!” & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.
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*stands by cucumbers at grocery store
*hides by baby carrots
*gets ego boost
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!
Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?
M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.