Relationship tip: every night text yourself “Good morning love!” & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.

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Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.


houseguest: is this a pull out couch

me: no we kind of just hope for the best


Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.


Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.


It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.


I assume the hardest part of being in a street gang is not being able to enjoy a Frappuccino in public.


“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”