@KKAlThani

Relationship tip: every night text yourself “Good morning love!” & turn off your phone real quick to wake up with a good morning text.

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@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

@Roxtalled

*stands by cucumbers at grocery store

*feels intimidated

*hides by baby carrots

*gets ego boost

@squirrel74wkgn

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

@JustDontBugMe

M: MOMMMM, where are the scissors? I just bought a new pair!

Edward Scissorhands: You mean these?

M: Yesss! Could you just stop stealing my scissors every time you break a nail?!

@aotakeo

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

@Brampersandon_

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

@climaxximus

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

@aveuaskew

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.