relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
