relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
