relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Can’t. Being lazy.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
shakira sharkira
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
