relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
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$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I’m giving up ice.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Squirrels before girls.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”