I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
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Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD