Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning

Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

Nothing to do, you say?

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.