Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
bout dat hot dog summer
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..