Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’

guess i’m a roast carrot now

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:

“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*

Me: Why do you look so angry?

8: I was getting my picture taken.

Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.