Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*

Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.

Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )

God: nice! your turn Dog!

Dog: oh.

Cat: I’m so excited!

Dog: alleycat.

Cat:

Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.

[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants

#BT140

So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?

OK Broomer

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.

10yo: I can’t find one.

Me: *finds a pencil* Here.

10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.

Me: *finds a sharpener*

10yo: I can’t find an eraser.

Me: Fine, use the pen.

10yo: I can’t find the pen.

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord

just witnessed a drug deal

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.

[Driving by a massive pile up]

SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.

ME: It’s a collidascope.

SON:

WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.

TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.