Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.

Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.

Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*

Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*

It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.

why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war