Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.

Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.

My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later

Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws