Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside
Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻
Category: Sharks of the Sea
This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Not all heroes wear capes.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.