@TheBoydP

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

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@FU_TangClan

Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?

Audience: WOOOOOOOOO

Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?

@Mr_Kapowski

Is my iPhone named Freedom?

Yes

Do I never pick up phone calls on it?

Also yes, because as an American, I let freedom ring

@causticbob

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

@parsfarce

[ordering cous cous] just the one cous for me thanks

@punmagnate

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

@spies_please

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions