Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
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Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
What a chick magnet..
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Whisper out to librarians!
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
at ease…shoulder.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib