Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
You Might Also Like
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
bat life
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
The world’s oldest person has died. Now they’ll be looking for a replacement, but if you’re offered the job, turn it down. It’s highly dangerous and there are way too many fatalities.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.