Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
#dalle2
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk