Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.

-My son, apparently

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”

[grocery store robbery]

ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*

ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks