Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
I hope Alan is OK
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
LMAO.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.