Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
CUTE CAT‼︎
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.