@pilau

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

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@AngelaEhh

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

@better_off_dad

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

@JKickinit30

Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.

@BlackCatBettie

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

@notmythirdrodeo

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

@Overdue_Bills

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

@JessicaVarsity

Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.

@IamJackBoot

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”