Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

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You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.


*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.


Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus


Personal Jesus is my favourite song about people who try to hoard little baby Jesus.


You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.


[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this


My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.


Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.


Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.


The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”