Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife


I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.


How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking


History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud


Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”


The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.


Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.


If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!


Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.


7: Its the last week of school so we don’t have to go. Can I stay home?
Me: Ha! Nice try, kid.
Teacher: Its true.