Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.