@pilau

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

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@TheBoydP

*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*

~Christmas shopping for my wife

@LuvPug

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

@E_lok44

How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking

@Fred_Delicious

History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud

@AmishPornStar1

Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…

But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”

@deardilettante

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

@MrsTomServo

Women want men they can fix; men want girls they can save; I want a sandwich that makes itself.

@gerryhallcomedy

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

@AmberDonn

Facebookers reacting to it snowing is very similar to a caveman reacting to seeing fire for the first time.

@RollAroundSue

7: Its the last week of school so we don’t have to go. Can I stay home?
Me: Ha! Nice try, kid.
Teacher: Its true.
Me: Ha! NICE TRY, TEACHER.