Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
i really liked this one
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I love the National Park Service.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”