ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
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“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*