Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle

4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad

Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

Good dog. ❤️

if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”

Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”