RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.