RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
They grow up so quick
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.