RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
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Hotel desk clerk: so one room, two queens, two knights?
Elton John and Nigel Hawthorne: …
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Might fuck around and respond “sorry, I’m on a bye” if my family asks me to do anything this week.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.