RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
You Might Also Like
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
#Caturday
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….