RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
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Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?