Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
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I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
🙋♀️
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Pot warmers of the day.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???