Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
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I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I cannot call her anything else now
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
Livid.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah