Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”

Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷‍♀️

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.