“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
what’s in a name?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
