“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?