“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Every work meeting this week
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?