“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
You Might Also Like
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
I only eat vegetarians.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
good morning
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
making my dog give me my pills
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?