Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
absolutely not
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
