Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
You Might Also Like
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
roses are red
i fall when i skate
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.