Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
First I was a pebble..
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it