Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
couldn’t resist
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”