Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: lol nerd

Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”

Me: “I was born three months premature.”

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox

Word!

The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.

Perfect.

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

black phone good

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

Beware…..

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!

ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*