Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!

Him: Don’t make this weird.

Me: Then why am I even here?

I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.

No one:

My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.

(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.