“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
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Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
This forever.
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
The Others (2001)
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.