[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
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Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
😂💯
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Lmaoo 😂
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed