Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”
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Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug
I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.
What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”
I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.