“Relax. It’s not a competition.”
“Right. That’s what I say.”
“But I said it first.”

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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too


Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79

*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*


Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..


[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!


[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in


I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.


Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug


I stopped trying to be a thug when I found out there was something called a caramel Frappuccino.


What idiot called it “the clap” and not “dishonorable discharge?”


I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.