Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Meow
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!