Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
why would tinder want me to say this
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
ah yes….my favourite videogame
