Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries