“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
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I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me