Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
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Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
So McDonald’s employees can spot the United healthcare CEO murderer but can’t spot the fries missing from my fucking bag?!?!!??