Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
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does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
make up your mind
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”