Relax. Luxuriate rebelliously.
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Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
❤️🦆
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?