relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
