Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
You Might Also Like
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.