Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
