Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
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‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
So the ex texted me
