Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

I would wear Nike but I’m not a “Just do it” kinda guy. I’m more of a “Meh, I don’t wanna” kinda guy… so I wear Sketchers

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Monday Lisa

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.